Who even knew....

Wow, love from the local press (http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-srv/express/pdfs/EXPRESS_09202006.pdf - page 40)!! Who knew people even really read these rants. I feel special.

Don't get me wrong here guys, I love my roommate, I really do. I just think he has an extreme case of blinders right now. He doesn't see what is right in front of him. He is to busy being "happy." If that's happy, may I never be it. I don't want to sacrifice my friends, I don't want to sacrifice my life for another person. When I married my husband, it was because he supported me and who I was. When I met my roommate, I didn't try to woo him. I didn't try to be who he wanted me to be. I was myself. I wasn't phony.

I am a lot more like this girl than I let on. I know a lot of where she is coming from. I understand her issues, but I also understand that I can't rely on someone else to fix me and make me whole. A relationship isn't about being someone's happiness, its about helping them find happiness. When it falls upon each other to be the happiness in each others life, those are some major shoes to fill.

Don't get me wrong, you should want to make each other happy, but you shouldn't be the only source of happiness for each other. You need to know how to function as an adult in an adult world. And I don't think she does. Has she ever even heard the word "No"? I somehow doubt it, and I know it hasn't come from his mouth. Because he only wants to make her happy, he cannot say no. Even when he blatantly should.

I do understand his points. He is"happy," - not sure what other points there were. I get it, its nice to be in a relationship and be needed. Its good to have someone to share things with, but when you are outright sacrificing those around you. When you stop being you, that should be where the line is. Being with someone shouldn't mean sacrificing your friends, and sacrificing yourself. There was an effort when someone died, but that was the last time. Once I got back, the effort went away. You didn't even ask how I was?

We have made an effort, we gave her another chance. She can't buy us, she also can't treat us like children. All we have ever asked is that she be herself and she can't even manage that. I know its because she doesn't like herself. I get that, I have been there. But we are grown people here, if you don't like yourself then why should I? If you can't act like an adult, then I am not wasting my time on you.

It's good to have fun, it's nice to play games. But they all have a time and a place, and she hasn't learned what those times are. I have tried, multiple times I have tried. But I hate watching you sell yourself short. It isn't up to you to save her. I know doing things for others makes you happy, but you shouldn't have to save her. I know her acting like your mom makes you happy, but you are a grown man and you should try and take care of yourself.

My intuition has only been wrong about people once in my life. I had bad feelings about S. In college. That turned out right. I had bad feelings about L. In college, right again. J. Was the same thing. All people I had never even met and I knew. I just know this time, this isn't for you. I have a horribly ooky feeling about this. And I know that someone is going to get hurt. I know it's not going to be pretty. I just don't want to be there to witness it.

Roommates suck

My roommate is the most selfish jerk I have ever met. He used to be one of my best friends, but since he got his new girlfriend, the word no is no longer part of his vocabulary, unless speaking to my husband or I, and the world apparently revolves around him.

We live together, we lived together for about a year before this girl came along. We never had any real problems. Everyone pulled their weight, everyone got along. Now all of a sudden he can't be bothered to do his share of the work. Now we are all supposed to cater to this "wounded bird."

She walks around my house as if she owns the place. She tells us what we should do, and when we disagree, says she will "let it slide this time." Rather than actually talk to us or address us, she leaves us notes, EVERYWHERE and ALL THE TIME. She thought a good apology was to set up a scavenger hunt and have us traipse around our house. When we refused to do it, our roommate said it was like slap in the face to them both. Give me a break. I am not one of her special ed kids. I don't need to be left gifts or little hunts around my house for post it notes. Just talk to me. Instead of trying to buy our approval, try being yourself. That's all we have asked of you.

No our roommate sees only his side. I get his side. He doesn't think I do, but I really do. But instead of helping he just aggravates the situation. We ask what she is doing and he says nothing. He ignores his responsibilities. He claims he feels like a maid. Well isn't that the pot calling the kettle black. Who ends up emptying your dishes and putting them away? Who takes out your stank ass trash and groceries? Certainly not you, you can't be bothered to take the trash out on trash day...I know I know, you forgot. Whatever, someone with everything in my life, I manage to remember twice a week.

You talk about the situation we put you in, have you reversed the tables at all. We welcomed you into our home when you needed somewhere to go. With no regrets and no question. It was just something we did without even thinking. We went in on this together and now you spend your time shirking your responsibility. Maybe if you head wasn't so far up her ass, you would see that you are so incredibly whipped and such a sublime asshole. You have no idea what her games and her manipulations do to us. Watching her twist you like a piece of clay. She's not sick. She's not even remotely sick, but you buy right into it. Trying looking her illness up in a dictionary. Tell me what you find. A common ailment that most of the human population struggles with. Funny thing about that. Oh yeah, but hers is serious.

You claim you are happy, happier than you have been and we should see that. How could we? You hide in your cave all the time, with your head up her butt. When you come out its to spend more of your dwindling cash supply on her. Funny how she no longer protests. You can't go 24 hours without her. 4 months in and you can't breathe without calling her. That's not a relationship, that's an addiction. Hubby and I are married and don't even see each other that much. Now the rare time you do spend apart from her no longer exists. Because she sits and she waits for you. Pulling you away from the one manly thing you had left. I hope she keeps your balls in a pretty jar.

Maybe when your girlfriend stops treating me like a child I will deal with her. I have tried conversations, but I guarantee she couldn't repeat back any of what I said. She was too busy telling me what was wrong with what I said. Had she listened she would have known that I agreed with her. But she can't because she treats us like her special ed kids. Maybe that's why you like it, because you are 26 going on 7. Somehow it all comes down to her. Why do I have to change for her? She came into my life, she comes into my house. I shouldn't have to do what she wants. I shouldn't have to put on my kid gloves and act like I am retarded. And the fact that you expect me to is the most sickening part of all. I don't even know who you are anymore.

Today it just doesn't seem relevant...

I was going to write today and complain about the roommate's girlfriend and the incessant drama that follows her. But today, it just seems so insignificant. Today, I refuse to give in and pay attention to her ridiculous attempts at grabbing the spotlight.

Five years ago, this country was left aghast. We were all robbed of a bit of our innocence. Never in many of our lives had one moment so changed things. It was a crisp and clear morning like any other. People on their way to work like every other day. And in an instant, that was changed. Our sense of security and comfort was taken from us.

Thousands of lives were lost. Thousands of families suffered. Millions of lives changed. We lost my uncle that day. A brave and gallant man, he gave his life so others could live. He went back in to help. He got out but he went back in. He was a picture of unselfish giving. We could all learn a lot from the people who perished that day.

So instead of thinking about how someone annoys you, instead of gritting your teeth as someone pisses you off, think of those people who gave so unselfishly so others could live. Think of people like my uncle, who gave his life so complete strangers could live. Maybe if we can think about that, those people who drive us crazy might have a little less effect on us.

Taking out the trash...

So taking out the garbage is not a hard task. It happens twice a week where I live, Tuesdays and Fridays. We merely have to put it by our sidewalk outside our front door, they come and pick it up from there.

When we bought our house, with our roommate in tow, it was agreed that trash would be his "chore". For awhile, that meant he took the trash out and put it in the can out back, and once a week, usually Fridays, put it out front. Well a few months in, they commandeered his trash can, and now they just take the bags. Ever since that development, getting him to take the trash out is a hassle. He cannot handle it.

The garbage is in the kitchen, right where he stops every morning to prepare his lunch and breakfast. Half the time he adds contributions to the trash before he heads out the front door to his car. Does he take the trash with him? Absolutely not. I have spoken to him about it endlessly. Every time I get a new promise that things will change. And they usually do for two weeks or so. He takes the trash bag out of the can and puts it outside. The pile of boxes and soda bottles behind it, they stay right there. They apparently are not trash to him, despite the fact that he is the one who put them there to go out with the trash.

It's infuriating. I don't ask much. The only thing I ask him to do is take the trash out. That's it. He never has to clean, he never has to do anything. When we moved he volunteered for trash and "outdoor" duty. I gave up on outdoor duty and now ONLY want the trash done. As he walks by it. On his way. Am I really asking that much??

Too kind...

So people actually read this. I never thought anyone would besides me, my life is too boring. But this blog gives me an outlet. A place to share my rants and raves without fear of pissing off people, without fear of offending people, and without sharing all my feelings to those in my life.

To my surprise, people read this. I have been getting some comments lately, all good ones. Y'all out there are really supportive especially with all the crap in my life lately. You have no idea how nice it is to hear supportive comments from random people that I don't know. It gives me hope for the human race. Maybe we aren't as evil and apathetic as I once thought.

Thanks guys...you have no idea what you have done for me and how appreciated it truly is.

So I have been thinking lately...

Since my grandfather's passing last week, I have spent a lot of time thinking about my own life. About what I want out of it, what I want to accomplish. And here is a list of goal I would like to achieve (or have started) for my life:

1. Have a family - I really want kids, more than I ever realized. I want to be a mom, I want kids that are a part of my husband and I. I want little lives to love, to form, to make into good people. And I want it now.

2. Get my Masters - I started this one finally.

3. Get my PhD - what good are a J.D. and an M.U.R.P. without a P.h.D. to match

4. To teach - I want to be a college professor. I want to teach undergrads about government and policy and other good stuff.

5. See the cliffs of Ireland.

6. Take a cake decorating class

7. Buy my Mercedes Benz C230 - I know a horribly materialistic goal, but I am being honest here.

8. Buy a house (DONE!!)

9. Go snorkeling in Hawaii

10. Take my husband out of the time zone!

11. Get a breast reduction - something I have dreamed of since I was 11!

12. Serve in an elected office.

13. Get back into art, particularly painting.

14. Learn to knit

15. Pay off my student loans - I am on pace to be done around when I retire!

16. Pay my parents back all the money I have borrowed from them in my life.

17. Learn to relax and enjoy life as it comes.

18. Get a job that I enjoy and care about.

19. Be on television

20. Go on a real vacation and enjoy it.

So looking at this list, I realize that most of what I want it actually attainable. I don't want to change the world, I don't want to go down in history, I just want to be happy and successful. Maybe I am closer to that than I originally thought.

Saying goodbye is the hardest thing to do...

Saying goodbye to someone you love is never an easy task. It hurts, it's painful, it makes you cry, but when that goodbye is final, it makes it that much more unbearable.

Last week was the worst week of my life so far. It's something I never want to experience again, but undoubtedly will, as nothing in life is certain except death and taxes. Regardless, it was a week filled with family, with memories and with heartache. I was fairly stoic all week long. I tend to follow my father's example at times like this, and he held his chin up and so did I. I greeted family and friends, I thanked people for coming to pay their respects. I comforted my sister as she sobbed and broke down. I cried but not so vocally, not so outright. I kissed him goodbye, and tried to remember the man he was.

The tears would not stop though, when we went to the funeral. My cousins, sister and I decided to give the eulogy, sparing our parents the task. We wrote letters to him and read them aloud. It was the most painful task I have ever completed. I cried like a baby, sobbed out loud, and even had a snort that I am sure Grandpa loved. But I pulled it back together. I got a grip. We went to the cemetery and we said goodbye.

There was an Air Force Honor Guard. They came all the way from Maguire AFB to Westchester County, NY, just for Grandpa. As a World War II flight instructor, it was a fitting tribute. But it was also the source of the most painful moments. To hear Taps played for him, to see my Father sob, to hear my Father crying out loud, to see the Officer present my Grandmother the flag, with the respect of the President of the United States. Just thinking about it makes me cry.

How can someone so legendary, so influential, so funny, so important, so loved, be gone? It hardly seems fair. There are so many words that were left unspoken, so many moments I didn't get to share. But it's over now, he's gone. He's not ever coming back....

Death sucks

I was very excited when I awoke this morning. I was headed off to my Orientation for my Masters program, set to start on Monday. All through the orientation, my excitement built. I am so happy to be a part of this program, and it's so completely what I want to do. I had no idea what would await me when I got home.

I returned home, figuring to have an uncomfortable conversation with spmeone I can't say I like, but instead I returned home to my husband greeting me at the door with bad news. My beloved grandfather had passed away overnight. So please excuse the typos, but I am a little intoxicated right now. Wiating for morning when I can leave to be with my family.

It wasn't a surprise, he had been sick for months. He had been in and out of hospitals, fighting all sorts of infections. This last hospital asmission, we knew would be his last. Hwe fought so hard to live, to spend more time with my Grandma. BUt in the end, not even 24 hours passed between when he entered the hospital and wehn he passed. Its now 9 hours since I found out, and i have yet to cry.

Maybe its bvecause he was sick. Maybe its because the last time I saw him, it wasn't him. But I can't cry. I miss him already. I don't want it to bne true. But I have not cried. My sister, my cousins and myself voluneteerd to deliver his eulogy, mostly because no one wants to see our parents in that much pain. I know most of the duty will fall to me. A trained attorney, a trained orator. And I am ok with that. But I think I still dont ghet it. He's gone, he's really gone.

The man who taught me to blow rasberry's with my food. The man who was convinced I would be the next Annika on the LPGA tour. THe man who knew I could handle law school and grad school. The backbone of my family. The patriarch to our small clan. The man who always knew I would be something. THe man who was so proud of me.

ANd as I write this, I shed my fisrt tears. For the man who taught me so much. So much more than he ever knew. I am finally able to cry. Finally able to say it...he is gone, and he is never coming back. And now I am crying....how can I live without my Grandpa....Oh Poppy Peaches, we will never share another early morning bowl of cvereal. Before everyone else wakes up. We will never fix that thunderbird, we will never play a round of golf. How can you be gone already....how can I face the world without you??